I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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