peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
