believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
