I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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