Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
