Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
