hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
