Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
