Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i think i just lost a toe
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
