just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
