can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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