He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
