She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
