He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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