She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
