I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
