Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
