arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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