6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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