I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
