you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
