this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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