1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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