Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize