I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
