I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
