This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
