A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
