u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize