I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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