Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You need a sexual gate keeper
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
