How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
