A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
