it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize