Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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