It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize