i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
