How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
