We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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