right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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