I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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