just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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