I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
