I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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