She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
