Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
