Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
