I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
