After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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