I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
