You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
