I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
