My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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