My liver just broke up with me...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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