I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize