guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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