I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
