I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
