if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
