I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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